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Some See The Glass Half Empty

The Low Self Esteem Talking Blues
I wonder what it really means
to exercise my self esteem
do I need weights and a stairmaster for my mind
I know it's not too late
I can go and get myself a date
I just need to get up off my fat old behind

Now I don't know if you really care
but I was never really quite aware
of any woman with a crush on me
Now she can get down and beg
reach under the table and grab my leg
But what would a woman that fine want with a geek like me?

Now this woman on me she had a crush
so much her cheeks would get all flushed
There was many a time she had made a pass
Now that she is married and all
she says we could have had a ball
if I had only gotten my head out of my ...

I took out a woman I really liked
to see if I could get her to spend the night
take this thing to it's logical end
although she said she wanted to
she said it would't be true
cause she thinks of me just like a friend

Now between women who just don't care
and my being just unaware
This middle aged dating thing is a fright
So don't be in too much of a hurry
and if you want something fat, old and furry
you can come on over ... you can spend the night

Almost Beautiful
She’s one of those girls who is almost beautiful
an ordinary girl without much to say
no hopes no dreams no aspirations
No ideas no anger just day to day

teddy bears smile
from the cabinet in the corner
and the little glass robin
that her brother gave her
and the dress that she wore
on her day of graduation
the only memories from her childhood
worth smiling about

She laughs at jokes that she doesn't find funny
But her friends all laugh so she laughs anyway
Spends her evenings staring at the TV
all her nights just waiting for the day

teddy bears smile
from the cabinet in the corner
and the little glass robin
that her brother gave her
and the dress that she wore
on her day of graduation
the only memories from her childhood
worth smiling about

Someday she’ll break out and give ‘em hell
Tell ‘em what for but she knows too well
That she’ll lose her nerve and not speak her mind
and she’ll just go home since she’s not that kind

She defines herself by the men she falls in love with
Stares at the ceiling in a Harlequin dream
She wishes her life was a gothic romance
but she never wonders what her life really means

teddy bears smile
from the cabinet in the corner
and the little glass robin
that her brother gave her
and the dress that she wore
on her day of graduation
the only memories from her childhood
worth smiling about

She’s one of those girls who is almost beautiful

The Things You Never Know
Sandra was my first love
a perfect english rose
when evening came along
to Tivoli Road I would go
But my family went back to America
at 16 I had no say
We said goodbye one sunday afternoon
and I never saw her again

From the losses you regret
To the things you'll never know
and I wish just one more time
I could walk down Tivoli Road

Valerie was a gentle soul
I'm afraid to say I broke her heart
I was the first man she ever loved
and I treated her so hard
It was some years later
I saw her on the street
It made me happy to see
that she didn’t remember me

From the things you'll never know
To the losses you regret
All the moments in your life
that you never can forget

Nancy was pugnacious
But she hated to fight
We only went out once
and had a wonderful time
It was hours later that I realized
And it haunts me to this day
I closed the door and walked on home
and she had wanted me to stay

From the losses you regret
To the things you'll never know
and to this day I don't understand
why I felt I had to go

Bang My Bald Spot
Not too long ago I had a plan
to see the 14th farewell tour of my favorite band
I kissed my wife and took out the trash
went to the ATM and grabbed some cash
thought maybe when I get there I can meet some babe
I can impress her with my middle age rage
closer I got to the stadium what did I see
10,000 old fat guys just like me

Just can't stand it I wanna be young
have lotsa hair feel real strong
Gonna raise my fist in a middle aged rage
gonna bang my bald spot
on the edge of this stage

I loved this band back then so I hate to mention
it costs 47.50 for the nose bleed section
problem with that is for a guy my age
it's so far away I can't make out the stage
glad I got good credit cause I was in a fix
a ticket on the floor cost me a 106
the band began to play and the crowd began to fight
they call it a mosh pit but it looked like a riot

Just can't stand it I wanna be young
have lotsa hair feel real strong
Gonna raise my fist in a middle aged rage
gonna bang my bald spot
on the edge of this stage

stuck in the pit I saw something made me proud
a guy my age came surfin cross the crowd
Shoe came untied so I got down on one knee
some 17 year old kid kicked the hell outta me
I got home all broken and bloody
had a weird time and spent lots of money
woke up the next morning with a t-shirt and some pain
gonna be a couple years before I do this again

Just can't stand it I wanna be young
have lotsa hair feel real strong
Gonna raise my fist in a middle aged rage
gonna bang my bald spot
on the edge of this stage

Don’t Go Home
Don’t go home
and don’t you cry
there are too many ways to say goodbye
the floors are gone and the walls are cracked
when I think of all the things we lacked

Don’t go home
cause it won’t be there
there are too many ways to say goodbye
don’t go home
cause it won’t be there
it takes a lot to make you cry

out in the streets
without a name
sorry you left but glad you came
you’re too old but how you grow
didn’t anybody tell you don’t go home

Don’t go home
cause it won’t be there
there are too many ways to say goodbye
don’t go home
cause it won’t be there
it takes a lot to make you cry

Like a mother
without a home
there’s somewhere else for you to go
the floors are cracked the walls are stone
didn’t anyone tell you you can’t go home

Don’t go home
cause it won’t be there
there are too many ways to say goodbye
don’t go home
cause it won’t be there
it takes a lot to make you cry

Oh Shannon
It was the middle of the night
and sleep wasn't arriving
a really good movie
was what I was striving for
but my eyes were locked open
with a look of disgust
when I saw what Shannon
had done to her bust

Oh Shannon Oh Shannon
what have you done
All the things that you do
Just trying to look young
But vanity or greed
or some financial trauma
made you have so much surgery
you look like a llama

I shed a tear for all
that you once were
long legged and blonde
and definitely a her
the next segment of your career
you’ll soon be facing
and all of those wrinkles
with a sander erasing

Oh Shannon Oh Shannon
what have you done
All the things that you do
Just trying to look young
But vanity or greed
or some financial trauma
made you have so much surgery
you look like a llama

she's had eye lifts and face lifts
and butt lifts and tit lifts
and collagen injections
that would make her hard to kiss
I remember some years ago
I wanted to hold her
but with any more surgery
her tits'll be on her shoulders

Oh Shannon Oh Shannon
what have you done
All the things that you do
Just trying to look young
But vanity or greed
or some financial trauma
made you have so much surgery
you look like a llama

The Hand Above The Water
Cathy is tired so she goes to the window
climbs on the fire escape lies down for the night
shouts in anger and frustration
looks for a sense of what could be right
she says
Envelop you, protect you, enlighten you, frighten you
Push the world away, give you room to breathe
If you’ll be my Don Quixote, I’ll be your Sancho Panza
Let me share your madness give me something to believe
I could be the hand above the water
pulling you from the depths
I could be the one who protects you
from the things you haven’t done yet”

Cathy feels useless her hands are cold
closes her eyes and just feels old
tries to feel bad about the scene she’s created
then she thinks about all the people she’s hated
she says
Envelop you, protect you, enlighten you, frighten you
Push the world away, give you room to breathe
If you’ll be my Don Quixote, I’ll be your Sancho Panza
Let me share your madness give me something to believe
I could be the hand above the water
pulling you from the depths
I could be the one who protects you
from the things you haven’t done yet”

Cathy laughs and looks down the alley
follows the metal and watches the light
Cathy is angry so she climbs through the window
Dials up the computer and stays on for the night

WYSIWYG
I saw your picture on the internet
I saw your picture on the internet
I bet your mother is most upset
That I saw your picture on the internet

I can't stand it any longer
These feelings are getting stronger
There's a million girls I could never get
and they're all downloadable on the internet

I saw your head on another woman's body
I saw your head on another woman's body
Least you weren't wearing something gaudy
When I saw your head on another woman's body

I can't stand it any longer
These feelings are getting stronger
There's a million girls I could never get
and they're all downloadable on the internet

I believe in WYSIWYG
I believe in WYSIWYG
But those things seem awful big
I still believe in WYSIWYG

I can't stand it any longer
These feelings are getting stronger
There's a million girls I could never get
and they're all downloadable on the internet

Sometimes I'll take whatever I can get
Sometimes I'll take whatever I can get
Sometimes I'll take whatever I can get
So I downloaded your picture from the internet

Golden Age Of Silicon
Some old men are deciding what you get to hear
the hair and faces change but it's the same from year to year
Backstreet boys, N’Sync, Brittany’s not to blame
they told them what to wear did market research on their names

Buying CDs at the mall some teenage girl cries
The one thing I know for sure is that money never lies
It's another teenage boyband an advertiser's dream
Another silicon fantasy prepubescent teenage queen

Commercials are telling you what to think and do
Buy nose rings, skateboards and mountain dew
while those old men are telling you what is the latest thing
While they lead you round by your belly button ring

Buying CDs at the mall some teenage girl cries
The one thing I know for sure is that money never lies
It's another teenage boyband an advertiser's dream
Another silicon fantasy prepubescent teenage queen

It's music made by models and marketing is all
You've got their t-shirt on your body and their poster on your wall
but the poster always tears and the t-shirt never fits
and all you're really paying for are Britney's plastic t*ts

Buying CDs at the mall some teenage girl cries
The one thing I know for sure is that money never lies
It's another teenage boyband an advertiser's dream
Another silicon fantasy prepubescent teenage queen

The One I Chased Away
You were short and silly and smart and funny
We didn’t have a tv, didn’t have no money
Nothing but love and a house full of books
And TV dinners since neither of us could cook

I’ll always remember you as the one I chased away
And the wonderful memories of you are the price I have to pay
For a couple years of bliss
And the memory of your kiss

All dressed up you were nothing exceptional
A pretty girl, nothing that sensational
But in jeans and a t-shirt and your hair pulled back
You had a perfect beauty that couldn’t be matched

I’ll always remember you as the one I chased away
And the wonderful memories of you are the price I have to pay
For a couple years of bliss
And the memory of your kiss

In the end I got the best of us both
For awhile I had you and now I’m alone
And you’re probably with some guy
Who has got to be better
I still have our old love letters

I’ll always remember you as the one I chased away
And the wonderful memories of you are the price I have to pay
For a couple years of bliss
And the memory of your kiss

The Color Of Your Eyes
Enough curves to make Rubens blush
And a retro sort of style
A raucous laugh that stopped conversation
And a sinister kind of smile
You would sit in the evenings and argue with the TV
And you would always win
I can still hear you breathe the way you slept against me
And you’ll always be my best friend

But I can’t recall
The color of your eyes

I remember when we spoke on the phone
And I told you what I’d done
I could hear your jaw clench and your eyes go cold
And then you were gone
You always said it was funny all the ways I found
To complicate my life
So I’m sitting on my couch and I’m flipping through the channels
Looking to pick a fight

And I can’t recall
The color of your eyes

You woulda slapped me and laughed said “quit being silly”
grinned and told me to laugh
“You make it so hard what’s the point dear boy
of living in the past?”

I flip off the tv so I can listen to some music
put down the remote
And somewhere I can still hear you laughing at me
And I still don’t get the joke

And I can’t recall
The color of your eyes

Trophy Wife
I’ve been thinking for a couple of years
I’m in need of a change
Now that I’m rich and successful
I really don’t need a wife my age
I know I’ll only have her
a couple of years of my life
But all I really want is a trophy wife

Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Slimfast, Slimfast, Nordic Trac 1
She’s vapid and she’s stupid
But that’s half the fun
Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Slimfast, Slimfast, Nordic Trac 2
Her idea of a real hot date
will be going to the zoo

And all my old friends will be jealous
and think it’s just a little absurd
that she laughs and dotes
and hangs on every word
She has big ... blonde hair
and a flat little belly
and a credit card bill
that’ll turn my legs into jelly
I know I’ll only have her
a couple of years of my life
But all I really want is a trophy wife

Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Slimfast, Slimfast, Nordic Trac 3
Little short dresses
that don’t make it quite to the knee
Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Slimfast, Slimfast, Nordic Trac 4
I hope I’m not too fat and old
To do it on the floor

I’ll trade her in for a newer model
When we finally get divorced
She’ll take everything I have
when she hauls me off to court
so I know I’ll only have her
a couple of years of my life
Then I’ll go out and get another trophy wife

Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Slimfast, Slimfast, Nordic Trac 5
Little short dresses
that make it barely to the thigh
Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Stairmaster, Thighmaster
Slimfast, Slimfast, Nordic Trac 6
There’s nothing wrong with me
a little Viagra couldn’t fix

Hides
Hidebound schemes
hides worked for years
stations come trains passing by

structures and plans
building art from nothing
suitcase packed trains passing by

Certain in your solitude
in your private jokes and fantasies
clinging to remembrance
wishing for more days like these

Safe at home
a home to hide in
windows and walls, trains passing by

A room upstairs
a solid retreat
windows blacked out
a passing phase

Certain in your solitude
in your private jokes and fantasies
clinging to remembrance
waiting for more days like these